“She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom.” (The Scarlet Letter)
There is a Buddhist parable that tells the story of two monks who come across a wealthy woman standing at the edge of muddy stream with no way across that would not result in getting her dirty. She is selfish and rude and is abusing her servants whose hands are full of her packages and therefore cannot offer her the assistance she feels is her due. The young monk views the scene and decides to do nothing. The older monk, however, heads toward the wealthy woman, picks her up, carries her across the stream and sets her down, her robes still pristine. The woman walks away without thanking the monk, her shrill orders to her servants ringing through the air. Hours pass, and the monks continue their journey, when the young monk speaks. He can no longer keep silent. “She didn’t even thank you!” he intones, obviously very upset. The older monk looks at him calmly and says, “Friend, I put her down hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?”
Ah, to be so wise as to put down our burdens. Think of the energy we all expend carrying around regrets, old fears, judgments, anger, anxieties that weigh us down, cloud our vision, keep us from actualizing ourselves in the moment, from realizing deep connections and forging true relationships today. We didn’t realize a parent’s dream; our waistline is thicker than desired; the playground bully’s old taunts still cling to us; past rejection keeps us from taking new risks. HIV by itself is one helluva burden, often coming gift-wrapped in layers of additionally weighty cargo – stigma, fear, regret, resentment, anger, shame, bitterness, more anger. I have been the observer of too many backs bowed by this weight. What would it feel like to put it down? Imagine how much easier the breathing would be, the movement from here to there, the increased comfort within our own skins. And the health benefits. Like quitting tobacco, reducing our carbs and training for a 10K all rolled into one! Letting go of those burdens by forgiving ourselves and others, by accepting where we are as where we are meant to be in this moment, by opening our minds to her truth and his truth without passing judgment, by preparing ourselves each morning for the possibility of joy and meeting it when it arrives in small ways or big with open arms, by passing on kindness to our neighbors and accepting kindness in return, by loving, by being loved, by working on correcting faults without resorting to blame… what wise and weight-less people would be.
I am reminded of another story; one containing a similar lesson, but taught not by an old monk but by a little boy. I remember when my oldest was no more than three. We were having quite the day. Not too far off from normal as he always was creative in his ability to challenge. He seemed to imagine infinite new ways to push the limits and he once again was on the receiving end of an exasperated parental lecture, complete with head shaking and finger wagging and a voice that rose to the rafters. A short time after he hopped back to me from his bedroom suggesting we head to the park, all smiles and anticipation. I was still reeling from the last escalated interaction and stared at him a bit dumbfounded. “You were just in trouble!” I stated with great emphasis. “Big trouble!" “What?” he asked with some confusion. “That was five minutes ago! And you don’t even like being upset at me. Why don’t you just decide it’s time to be okay?”
Yes, to be so wise as to put down these unnecessary burdens. To just decide, as my three year old suggested, that it’s time to be okay. I like the way that sounds. I suggest we all give it a go and grant ourselves permission to be okay.
